Woman with low self-esteem to buy me drinks

I decided to get in the game and posted the ad below with the title above. I've gotten some funny responses...I'll add some in the comments later...

Ha...Gotcha!!! Why did you click on this? Do you really need to be tested for esteem or were you wanting to challenge me to a duel?

Instead of the normal Craigslist bullshit...here's my real story. I've been in a bit of a life-slump lately and need a night of hilarity...your treat, because I'm an aspiring alcoholic who is experiencing a budget shortfall. I am a sexy divorcee/FILF who packs 225 pounds onto his six-foot frame. I probably shouldn't talk about my ex in this ad, but in the interest of full-disclosure my last significant relationship was with a Hot Pocket and let's just say things did not work out. Sing it with me...HOT POCKETS!

Okay, that's enough. I'm just a guy with a goofy sense of humor. I'll be having drinks at the bar by my house tonight. You're invited (to buy me a drink)...I'll provide one or more laughs free of charge. You've been a great audience...Thank you and goodnight!

Iron My Shirts

"Needing 5-7 dress shirts ironed per week, long sleeve and short sleeve. Will provide spray starch and hangers. Will drop off and pick up..."


At first when I read this I thought "it can't cost more than ten bucks to drop your shirts at Pride Cleaners...and do you really want to let someone who would do it for less spend time with your shirts?" But, then I realized they've cracked down on the local "Casual Encounter" personals on Craigslist, so maybe this ad is written in code. He offers to provide starch and hangers, if you know what I mean. Dropping off and picking up sounds dirty. Okay, I'm probably reading too much into it. He's probably not secretly looking for sex. He's probably just a cheap douchebag.

Cute BBW

What the hell? Twice within a few days someone feels the need to clarify what type of BBW they are. This one is a "cute" big, beautiful woman.

"cute bbw christian want ltr not sex"

Poor home-schooled Christian...who taught your internet dating class in high school? Everyone knows that if you're a Christian not looking for sex, you should really use J-Date. The next guy using Craigslist to find cute, Christian BBWs not wanting sex will be the first.

Missed Threesome

Craigslist's missed connections seemed like the right place to post the following actual occurance from my real life. I just posted the following ad:

Saturday night two lovely young ladies walked into the bar about an hour before close. One of them had been getting drunk to cure cancer…the other one was allegedly the designated driver (DD), but was really good at drinking. DD and I talked for a while and shot a game of pool. Cancer Drunk (CD) met a guy of whom she said “he’s kind of cute (KOC), right?”

DD enlisted me to help her prevent CD from hooking up with KOC. She pointed to me and said, “I’m walking to my house with this guy.” Then pointed to her friend and said, “Do you want to come with us?” Greatest night of my life, right? I can’t remember the last twosome I had, but somehow I was minutes away from a threesome with drunk, human women.

The events that followed are blurry, but somehow KOC and CD made a more convincing case than my drunk ass and DD got in KOC’s jeep, which, like most Jeeps, only seated three, according to KOC. As I watched them drive away I distinctly remember the maitre d’ calling, “Blueballs, party of one.”

As fate would have it, my blue balls and I were dining alone again tonight, when who should walk into the classiest barbeque restaurant in a gas station in town, but DD and HER PARENTS!!!! Here are the things I should have said to her…
“How’s tonight for ya?”
“I’m not making the same mistake I did Saturday night. I call dibs on the hot, older one…the GILF.”
“This is your second threesome this week…congrats!”

Instead, I did the classy thing…smiled in her direction and walked away...and then called her out on Craigslist. Second date?

Attractive BBW

Jackpot! I just checked the craigslist personals and found an "attractive bbw who enjoys karaoke at the VFW". BBW stands for big, beautiful woman, so she must be extra hot if she felt she needed to add that she's an "attractive" bbw. It wasn't "fat-ass" bbw. Or "female" bbw. I think she deserves a limerick...

There once was an attractive BBW
Who enjoyed karaoke at the VFW
She claimed to be a looker
Turns out she was a hooker
Whose card reads "Hope my diseases don't trouble you"